My Wake Up CallSeptember 1, 2016
Tred MindfullyFebruary 15, 2017
I’m paraphrasing but that’s the rationale he gave for his unfaithfulness.
He said he could feel me “outgrowing” him so this was his way of ‘catching up‘.
It’s a long story, and one that I won’t get bogged down in the details of here; but as the one who experienced the immediate rush of adrenaline and cortisol when the world as I knew it changed forever, I held my space (and my cool) with the biggest hole where my heart was and the pit of my stomach gone into the abyss.
I will share a little of how I experienced my “dark night of the soul”. I moved immediately with our two young children into a friend’s self contained shed, and I attempted to keep things as calm and happy as possible. I felt so vulnerable – free falling with no idea when the crash would stop. I’m an ‘internaliser’ – I’m not one to shout and yell. My body responded to these events in a basic physiological way – no appetite, and when I did eat I felt nauseated. Weight just fell off me. I couldn’t sleep so I felt dazed all the time. It seemed so surreal, like I would wake up eventually from this dream state. I eventually cried, sobbed, once the numbness lifted a bit. We lived on my credit card as his mates told him I would rip him off and withdraw all the money, so he changed all the pin numbers so I couldn’t access any of our accounts.
This was one of my biggest learnings – the way our life was so tied up together that I didn’t have my own financial independence, and it meant I felt limited in my choices…
There was of course a period of experiencing all of those basic human feelings which seemed out of my control when we have a deeper knowing that things are the way they are for a higher reason… and I reflected on how as a member of this relationship, I had to take some responsibility for its shortcomings… to the extent that he looked elsewhere.
So, the personal work continued. I grew so much from this experience. And I continue to today.
Even though we have since closed the book on our relationship, the gift of two amazing beings whom I am blessed with as my children are prize enough to justify this union was orchestrated for this life journey.
So what were my growing edges you ask? So, so many!
- I learnt that I was strong enough and worthy enough to ask for what I wanted – and expect it. I had a shift in mindset that “I may want him but I don’t need him” which was very empowering. This is very much a childhood conditioning which I’m still exploring.
- Actions demonstrate understanding and intention. While holding the space, awaiting the evolution of this union, the gentle suggestions, role-modeling, discussions and allowing, sometimes just isn’t enough when the other person chooses not to look and see, and step up.
- That financial security is not a good enough reason to stay in an unfulfilling marriage. In fact – I felt if I stayed, I was going to experience significant health challenges for not following my inner guidance.
- That my life could continue on an unconscious choice level, where it was all planned out regardless of my soul’s true wishes… or I could step out, demonstrate to my children that a relationship needs to be a partnership – not one sacrificing who she is by denying her emotions, but also that we don’t have to sacrifice our own dreams. I could be a conscious creator of the second half of my life with infinite possibilities (after there was a mind-shift from the overwhelming fear-based thought of unknown direction which thankfully was processed through).
There continues to be healing, and as this happens, the road does feel bumpy at times.
But as I don’t want to learn these lessons again, I will learn it now in the deepest way possible. I’m allowing time and rediscovering (perhaps even discovering for the first time) who I truly am.
And what he said turned out to be somewhat true – it was a very significant spiritual practice… FOR ME.